Banaras, the place that rewrote my heart..

As I am sitting at the boarding gate at Varanasi airport for my flight to Jaipur, I am feeling a deep wave of calmness.

This feeling is so rare for an over-thinker like me.

The day I landed here 3 days ago - I was dealing with a chronic headache only to find my hotel to be wrongly booked. Now, you can only imagine my misery.
But even then, I kept patience inside.

There was a deep spell of emotions the moment I saw the Ganges.
I felt something - as if there’s a message.
I don’t know how to explain the feeling.

I’ve been a chronic people-pleaser while growing up.
This led to choosing an incorrect partner and eventually a mentally devastating divorce.

During my separation year (2019), I made my first visit to Banaras.
As the boat pulled in front of Manikarnika Ghat, while the boatman was singing Bhajans (devotional songs) dedicated to his beloved Ganga, my eyes were fixated on the numerous funeral pyres burning before my eyes.

I didn’t even realise for 20 mins that tears were streaming down my face.

I was in a very toxic marriage and for an Indian girl like me- divorce was a very hard, emotionally-taxing and guilt-ridden step for me.

But that very moment took away my fears and I completely surrendered.
I was all of 29- a heart full of hopes and dreams and a resolution that I have a large life ahead of me that can be very fulfilling. 

Today 6 years later, I don’t know why Banaras called me again.
Probably to pacify my racing heart again.

Today as a numerologist & somatic emotional healer/ facilitator - who constantly works on herself & is coaching others through all the self-learning and lived experiences- I think Banaras only wanted me to come and let all my guards down and extend my gratitude.

As I sat by the ghats yesterday, watching the sun rise, I realised I was sitting with my palms facing the sky and again for a few moments I was lost in a little trance, just asking Mother Ganges for more emotional intelligence, resilience and a deep prayer to just be her ‘deliverer’. I found myself, surrendering my mind and heart to her, once again.

Deeply committing and promising to her that I will be resolute on my journey to be emotionally available to others. This world is losing its reciprocity. People no longer match their actions to their words. I promised to her that I will be firmly committed to the emotional transformation of each and every person who connects to me.
Just how her waters spread far and wide, I prayed to her to take me under her wings and allow me to take my journey as far as she deemed correct.
The rising sun and the chirping birds were a sight to behold. I felt that deep pull, settle.
(I wasn't even scared of the dogs hovering next to me. Something that usually petrifies me!).

I felt a sense of calm wash over me. Something that feels like- a hug. As I am reflecting today, I feel emotional. But words have finally taken over. Today, I just wanted to share that I went to Banaras as a seeker. And now, I have come back with so much more that I want to give. My heart is full. It was an empty cup 6 years ago. Totally distraught and distant. Now, the path is already chosen for me. 
I am a forever student, determined to share my knowledge with the world.
And now, I know what it truly means to experience ‘Subha-e-Banaras.’

Warmly,
Anushree

PS- If there was any part of this that resonated with you and/or you want to share anything with me or just simply connect to know more about numerology sessios / the somatic healing I conduct, I'd love to know your thoughts: evolveandhow@gmail.com